Why do I always feel like I’m messing up? I swear I used to have will power, and drive, but today I feel like a lump, lost with absolutely no motivation. It’s not a new feeling, I don’t so much as slide off the wagon from time to time as go flying off and smashing into the road with the force of a nuclear bomb, and this has been a particularly bad slip. Sometimes it’s the exercise and sometimes it’s my diet but this time it’s both.
Sometimes you really need some support and help, I keep thinking about how I’ve got to get up and out of the door, Bournemouth is looming (2 months to go) and I’m not conditioning my body like I should, it’s been a battle at times, but when I’ve dared to voice it on social media I actually felt attacked not supported, so I just shut up.
So despite my meticulous training plan, and intent to get my diet back on track, for the past few weeks I have been failing. I’ve got no excuses other than laziness and a complete mental collapse, and the upshot is I no longer believe I can do this, not the marathon, not improving my fitness, not fixing my diet, and I feel like I’m already halfway down the slope that leads me back to the fat girl I was before, who is still screaming to be let back out, at the moment my inner fatty is winning…
Or at least she has been, but I’ve decided to sit down today and look again at my training plan, and try for the millionth time to get myself motivated, training hard and eating well again. It feel’s like such a struggle at the moment though, and half of me just thinks I should give in a get fat again but the other half of me, the half that hates what she sees in the mirror, really wants to find a way out of this funk!
On the training side, week 14 was OK and I clocked 40km of running, but the following week I only managed to put down 10km of running and very little training, I managed to up it to 34km in week 16 mostly due to a random good day allowing me to actually put down a long run in the week, then week 17 I dropped down again to 23km for the week.
So this week my plan is to put down at least 30km, then get back on track with the training plan in earnest. I plan to try and start sorting out my diet again, excepting that It’s the summer holidays and I have plans that sometimes make this very difficult so I should cut myself some slack, and most but hardest of all, I’m going to try and start believing that I can do all this again!
9 weeks to go…!